Thursday, December 30, 2010


...this is the time of year to take a look at my life and ask myself a few hard I want to continue to create my future out of the past or move it tolerable anymore when those closest to me have no interest whatsoever in my passion and accuse me of being boring and repetitive for sharing it? I have experienced the pure joy of sharing the same passion with another and finding it, not only hers too,but the synergy that comes from a common cause....what do I like hell....or welcome that into my life? "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it"means what it says....if I continue on the same path to avoid conflict a part of me dies....I have seen it's not pretty.....I have made my choice....crossed the Rubicon....all else is in the allowing!!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Done Talking...Time to Move On!!

...this has been quite the month....sharing and baring my heart and being vulnerable gladly.....but enough! The time comes where it becomes mere indulgence and I must move on......going up the down escalator does not allow for standing still and waiting for long.....the path lies ahead beckoning and I must travel alone for awhile if need be....I am not walking away...that is the old truth I will never walk away again but I cannot wait as I have before for that is not my consecration.....the New Year calls and I answer!!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


...not just turkey....stuffing too...a life stuffed with residual irrelevance lurking in the back of my leftovers in the fridge.....needing to be cleaned out to make way for a New Year which holds the promise of transformation.....all of my plans start with me....what must I do to prepare begin?

Monday, December 27, 2010

Humbly Humble!! I climbed the stairs to the 4th. dimension in some fear...I thought there was no such thing as healthy fear until I heard her share...of course there is,,,,a fear accepted is healthy....a fear denied is not.The synergy of our mission together is by it's very nature cannot be manipulated,mollified or amplified....must be left to Higher Self....trusting that all is well no matter what comes.The rules are simple...the game is not!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Language of the Heart!! subtle and gentle....carried on a babies breath or the wings of a ladybug.Softer by far than the clatter of the mind....the constant questioning and needing to know as though the mind ever could.
Trust reigns supreme...knowing only the unknown....expecting the unexpected.....welcoming the unwelcome for the purity that it brings.....questioning the unquestionable because the answer will come,but in a dream or a metaphor.
To know is to love,but not to know and be all right with that is to learn to love without condition.

A Quiet Time!!

....when I was a little guy in England everything was closed on Boxing Day.Instead of the mindless hysterical shopping sagas of today I would visit family.Uncle Boris who lived in Aldgate and worked on the London Underground.Aunt Ruby in Stamford Hill....trolley buses went there from Liverpool St.Aunt Gladys in Ruislip at the end of the Piccadilly Line.I don't remember anything of the visits but how I got there is still vivid in my mind.
Where will my little guy take me this New Year and how will I travel?

Saturday, December 25, 2010

A Star in the West!!

I saw a picture of her next to a star holding her heart.She shines just like that.... touches our hearts just so.The love,the passion, the compassion of her pulses,blazes,twinkles and flashes in her eyes and in her being as she dances with life.
She enrolls us in her mission to create a better world in ways that she may never know....that is the greatness of her.If her joy does not touch us she shows us her pain until we are at one with her journey.Such a gift as this reminds us of the true meaning of the season.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Precious Child!! wonderful to have seen her again after so watch as her mother combed her hair so lovingly.I wondered as I watched them how a world would be sharing such love with one imagine is to live the dream is to BE the dream.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Dancing With Life...Dancing With Death!!

I used to dance unconsciously....mockingly in a way.....not understanding the great lessons both could teach.
Now in consciousness I embrace them in gratitude and my life as a daily blessing and reprieve with the chance to fully and freely give of myself as though it was my last......for though I may awaken to yet another day there will never again be one quite like this.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Special Shade of Green!!

..she wore it today.The colour that joins the 3rd. and 4th. with a gentle touch of yellow,like the English countryside where that mighty heart is beating still.On village greens where cricket matches are played...just before the rain.In tea or fish and chip shops by the sea where secular high mass is celebrated with scones and clotted cream or salt and vinegar.
Does she know of such things and how they touch my heart so? Perhaps I could do that for her...I hope so.One day soon we will share this and more with a chorus of Angels singing joyfully as we do.I can feel it....I can hear it.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Meant To Be!! took twenty years but they found a way in the end:

"I love your verses with all my heart, dear Miss Barrett,--and this is no off-hand complimentary letter that I shall write,--whatever else, no prompt matter-of-course recognition of your genius and there a graceful and natural end of the thing: since the day last week when I first read your poems, I quite laugh to remember how I have been turning again in my mind what I should be able to tell you of their effect upon me--for in the first flush of delight I though I would this once get out of my habit of purely passive enjoyment, when I do really enjoy, and thoroughly justify my admiration--perhaps even, as a loyal fellow-craftsman should, try and find fault and do you some little good to be proud of hereafter!--but nothing comes of it all--so into me has it gone, and part of me has it become, this great living poetry of yours, not a flower of which but took root and grew... oh, how different that is from lying to be dried and pressed flat and prized highly and put in a book with a proper account at bottom, and shut up and put away... and the book called a 'Flora', besides! After all, I need not give up the thought of doing that, too, in time; because even now, talking with whoever is worthy, I can give reason for my faith in one and another excellence, the fresh strange music, the affluent language, the exquisite pathos and true new brave thought--but in this addressing myself to you, your own self, and for the first time, my feeling rises altogether. I do, as I say, love these Books with all my heart-- and I love you too: do you know I was once seeing you? Mr. Kenyon said to me one morning "would you like to see Miss Barrett?"--then he went to announce me,--then he returned... you were too unwell -- and now it is years ago--and I feel as at some untoward passage in my travels--as if I had been close, so close, to some world's-wonder in chapel on crypt,... only a screen to push and I might have entered -- but there was some slight... so it now seems... slight and just-sufficient bar to admission, and the half-opened door shut, and I went home my thousands of miles, and the sight was never to be!

Well, these Poems were to be--and this true thankful joy and pride with which I feel myself. Yours ever faithfully Robert Browning"

Vision Map!! of places I have been....wish to be again with her.Pictures of her too increasing day by day as she reveals more and more of her kaleidescopic,mercurial and endlessly fascinating self.My inner child watches in awe,admiration,love and trepidation,but it must be his mission.He has come out to play at last and finds her there waiting,challenging,teasing,but most of all BEING as he must BE too!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Her Family.....My Life!!

First she stomped on my village ,as she said she would....I needed it.My village does not matter...only the global village has meaning now.
Then,because I was unruly,I found myself housebroken....I needed that too.It was for the house of God.
Now I love her family as my own....for it is.Such is the world of unconditional love!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

All Or Nothing At All !!

...who was it who said"there's no such thing as part time enlightenment"? Nonetheless I have still tried to have one foot in one world and one in the other. Can't be done! The commitment to the world that I wish to see has to be total.I realized today finally that Twin Flame and Soul Partner pairings must be totally dedicated to that vision and to one another now or else they will not work.
I must risk all or have nothing at all save the same old appropriate life going nowhere.I do not know what she will choose and it must be so.I have preferences certainly but will honour her sacred decision whatever that may be. So now I watch and wait!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Mission!!

from "The Ascension Is Life Lived From Joy"... channeled by Laurie Gilmore:
"At the beginning of tenth level, life feels new, and you may feel newly born and very tender. Tenth level is the beginning of the spiritual awakening that will lead to your mastery of the abilities that mark the spiritual masters and adepts. These abilities, or gifts of the spirit, will become stronger as you become energetically clearer. In tenth level the focus will be on manifesting these spiritual gifts, and then integrating the gifts fully so they are usable in your physical, everyday life. Your greatest natural spiritual gift will be the first to manifest in tenth level, and your other gifts of the spirit will open later in a gradual way. You will be required to live by your spiritual gifts. If you are clairvoyant, for example, you must make decisions by what you perceive clairvoyantly - not by what you perceive physically.

Your clairvoyance will literally overtake your physical sight during tenth level. You may notice one day that you are very clearly seeing three curbs and sidewalks. Deciding where to place your foot may be very confusing. You will be seeing the physical curb and sidewalk, the etheric curb and sidewalk, and the fourth dimensional curb and sidewalk. If you rely completely on your clairvoyance, not the physical sense of sight, you will know where to step. If you use the physical sense of sight you may trip a few times in a public place. Eventually you will learn how to process this type of vision. The process of becoming clear is one of releasing stored energy from the emotional body and the mental body, and relocating that energy to the spiritual body where it becomes usable, through which miracles are created.

The only difference between an avatar and an ordinary man is the location of the energy held within the energy bodies. An ordinary man has all his energy "locked-up" in stored emotions and memories in the emotional body, and beliefs and thoughts in the mental body. The ordinary man has a flat spiritual body, for there is no energy to spare from the demands of the emotions and thoughts. An avatar has clear emotional and mental bodies. All the energy held within an Avatar's subtle bodies, is stored in the spiritual body. For a master, the energy associated with emotion flows into the emotional body from the spiritual body IN THE MOMENT, and is released to the spiritual body once the emotional stimulus has ended.

The energy associated with a thought flows from the spiritual body to the mental body, and then is released to the spiritual body as the thought is completed. This leaves an Avatar's energy free, to use according to his will. The spiritual energy is available to an avatar because it is not consumed by thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and memories. This is the energetic structure each of you must create in your energy bodies, during tenth and eleventh level Light Body. This will allow each of you to perform miracles such as manifesting thought into physical reality."

Monday, December 13, 2010

Grande Vente!!

...sometimes I need to have a bit of a carry on it seems.Then I can pick up my life once more with a measure of stability.I have had for some time visions of a mission so huge it boggles the doesn't go away,makes no sense.To have a glimpse that it might just happen as I have lately was overwhelming.I will know soon enough I think,and if it is not to be,will suffer my folly gladly.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Not Your Everyday Starbucks!!

I used to think it my window on the world,now rather the window on mine!I have talked there of philosophers and kings,heros and villains,light and dark,error and solution,but always when I left I found the world unchanged as before.
One day a woman came in who I had not seen until that day.Her life was in tatters,a supreme example of the words"no good deed goes unpunished".I shared with her my story of betrayal and something of the silver lining I found behind the dark clouds,but this time I shared more than just words.
I gave her what had been gifted to me without condition.She tells me now her life is transformed.I must remember that.Deeds not words will change this world of ours.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


I have often wondered if I have been a delusional "old fart" all this time.Perhaps it is so after all I have thought!!One thing I have learned though is that only I can can break my heart and I choose not to this time.This has been my lesson since I began to wear a key over my Heart Chakra in response to guidance.I really got whacked at first but began to understand over time that it was me who was doing the "whacking".Once the lesson was learned my "Heart Centre" began to open up and I began to live from what is called my "Avatar Heart" which includes two more Chakras opening up between the 3rd.and 4th,and 4th.and 5th.Chakras.I can do this now through my healing technique for others too.
Everything changes in the moment when the heart and soul energies are joined as one.The world of form including relationships becomes secondary to contribution.Everything in our experience is not only lesson but is assimilated much more quickly because the emotions no longer have us in their grip as before.It might be called the beginning of serenity.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Gareth andLyones!!

....walk alone in the woods,far from the curious eyes and gossip of the court.They walk together, but do not cling to one another.Theirs is a secure love of equal partners who choose each others company of their own free will.A warm breeze flows through the leaves of the trees,reflecting the gentle nature of the love and affection they have for one another.The peacock butterflies symbolize the beauty and ecstasy of this dusty,dreamlike state.
The sword is a reminder that there are dangers amidst this beauty.Though love can exalt,when lost it can devastate.This was a truth familiar to the Arthurian lovers.Despite the veneer of romance,they did not live fairy-tale lives-theirs was a dangerous and violent age.The sword symbolizes the hazards of collapsing into a relationship and the need to retain one's sense of self and independence.To do otherwise would be unhealthy for both partners and drain the strength needed to survive the twists of fate in worldly life.Theirs was a true love-rare and unfailing.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Irrational Exuberance!!

I am over the moon at the sheer implausibility of my life.....done with conforming and the abomination of pc behaviour.Living in a town still blowing smoke up it's arse for having staged a successful Olympics on stolen First Nations land and our money,I am appalled by the sheer hypocrisy of it all but must start with myself.
I went to an opening of a new homeless shelter yesterday and saw a man with a shopping cart going in.The gut wrenching thought that his world travelled with him in that little cart hit me full force.I have a mentor for a new life now.She asked me if I was a "good neighbour" and I had to admit to myself afterwards that I was only in my head....still making by my inaction pathetic excuses for a world that allows children of God to die every day because it is not profitable to help them.Perhaps she doesn't know that she is my inspiration but no matter.Her light and love shine so brightly for me that it is not necessary to say anything....just to BE!!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bare Yourself!!

....funny how the ego/identity fears vulnerability....likens it to death really."The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth"surely means that rather than run from being vulnerable we should embrace it,welcome it into our lives with open arms and hearts.We are o.k. with little children and animals but my oh my,how we seem to fear one another!
"Greater Love Hath No Man Than This",or"'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" speaks of "A Love Supreme" as Coltrane reminded us through his horn.A love without boundaries which crashes through the paltry world of convention that we and our children may live transformed.
We must know "The Meaning of the Blues"in our lives and in our music for they are as one."'Trane,Bird,Lady Day....they knew and paid the price so that we could live.Next time you hear Billie singing"Hush Now...Don't Explain" remember that!

Shirley Horn "The Meaning of the Blues" unspeakably beautiful:

Everything's So Beautiful at the Ballet...Reprise!! was beautiful then as now but not unconditional,so it crashed and burned lacking consecration.
It is now so gifted and has come back once again.I have learned from this great lady something of the meaning of true compassion and unconditional love...and so it is!!

The Tao of Crazy!!

Just recently I was called a "crazy mo-fo" by someone in a group of mine.I was thrilled....what a compliment! In a world that is being turned right-side-up at last it is helpful to know that the time of the heretic is here once again.
The orchestra that I was in of which I spoke yesterday played that way all the time.Taking utterly insane chances and threatening to go off the road going for that extra measure of "frisson"was part of our daily experience.
How to live that way without the booze became my challenge.I tried convention but found that I was never any good at it,nor did I want to be.Instead in my "gnosis"I discovered the pure joy of being nuts!!But how to apply this wisdom in a meaningful way?
The "Law of Attraction" comes into play here and I seek and find one of like mind and mission.Behind her sometimes crazy facade I find the most incredibly compassionate and loving heart that tugs at mine.
The "Law of Allowance" teaches me to risk well beyond reason,to woo,to go the extra mile and then some.To open my heart completely such that it might break,and then simply TRUST!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Sophisicated Louts!!

I was once a member of both a famous and infamous group, the London Symphony Orchestra of the late 60's and early 70's.We were known as the L.S.O.but dubbed "The London Shithouse Orchestra" by those less than enamoured of our exploits.
We had the ability to play like savages but with an exquisite beauty when required.At the height of our fame we were sent to Daytona Beach for a month in the summer for four years running.An all male orchestra in what was perhaps the divorcee capitol of America at the time.
The results were predictable:we played dreadfully (by our standards) and partied even more so.Nonetheless we managed to be rapacious predators who somehow were rather nice about it all,and judging by the results it was appreciated.
I had to leave shortly after because I could not have sustained the intensity for much longer without burning out.I must admit though with some delight that I have not forgotten how to be both a gentleman and a bit of a savage at the same time,and I rather think that it is not entirely frowned upon by a special kind of woman.


I have been for much of my life an errant knight jousting at the windmills of my mind.Sometimes by sheer force of will I would contribute to others but more often than not,it was just self-seeking disguised as altruism.
Then one day nearly four years ago she burst into my life with the force of a super nova.No longer a dream or vision but a reality and most of all a challenge to be unconditional.I was not up to the task ,found lacking,sent packing.
My force of will availed me nothing and I stood at the turning point.I could either accept the challenge or turn my back on it.I retreated into the world of co-dependency to learn the final lessons and came close to death in the process.Before my "dark night"she came to me in a dream and told me that I would be all right and all would be well.Shortly after she returned after a period of two years of my not seeing her.
I had learned a little of humility and kept my distance in order to honour her sacred space in a way that I could not do before.Our eyes never met nor did we speak but the energy was palpable.
Suddenly last week we came together briefly and both spoke and looked into one another's eyes.The experience was truly overwhelming and I was gifted a vision of the synergy of our joining in mission together.
Now comes the test as it must,for I cannot control or manipulate this Goddess anymore that I can hold quilksiver in my hands.I now know the meaning of those words"they also serve who stand and wait".

Sunday, December 5, 2010


...for awhile now I have been in a rainy day.It has been at once chastening,humbling and ultimately cleansing and purging as I learned slowly but surely to sing and dance in it.I have experienced the most unimaginable sadness and joy in these last few years because I needed to bring together those polarities,to feel with such intensity, and still walk my walk.
The other day so very unexpectedly the sun burst through the clouds with such a blinding light that I was elated and terrified in equal measure lest I do another rain dance without realizing and frighten the sun away like I did last time.
One thing I learned on my rainy day though is that EVERYTHING in my life is now mission,and I need not seek anything else.Romance ,adventure even relationships are now consecrated to service and my Higher Self will guide me as long as I remember my sacred contract and trust.